I did not see this coming.
Life is hard. ...and it hits like a bus when you can't see it coming.
Many of you know that I do not blog for a living. I actually do it because I have something to say. Not a penny for my thoughts.
Yesterday, I spread my self to thin doing something I never thought I would do in a million years, well, actually in three but, yeah, you get the point. In a very subtle and with what seemed to be an admiration letter, I declared my love to a guy I have loved for the past three years of my life silently. Right after I hit send I entered in panic mode praying to see that "not sent" message that WhatsApp offers sometimes. It didn't happen. At 10:35am, the letter, with a sweet little note, left my phone to enter his'.
I thought for a moment, "there, I said it", then the next minute I started doubting myself then again to "there, I said it". I expressively, at the end of the letter, told him: "no need to answer this.", but being the man that he is, at 6:32pm, he answered. (Please do not mind the time gap between my message and his message. Mine was extra long and he was working, that's why I sent it in the morning, to have extra time to panic between one message and the next.)
He answered, alright. The first paragraph of his answer basically said that he was flattered that someone thought that of him, let alone write it, that I made him feel better, blah, blah, blah... Next paragraph, hmm... That next paragraph had me crying, sleeping, crying, sleeping and crying ALL night long. I could not find a way to come out of bed this morning. My body hurt and I had not one single reason to do it. I am not mad at him, I swear I am not, I actually can't be. He did not hurt me in any way. I am mad at me, I hurt myself.
First, I shouldn't have fallen in love, who does that? Yes, of course, he has everything I want in a man but still, I think I did wrong and I should have known way better than to fall in love.
Second, this was a disaster, right from the beginning. We always have so much fun, we talk about everything, I feel so comfortable around him, it's ridiculous. There, a disaster from the beginning.
Third, I used to think "everything happens for a reason", well the reason for this was heartbreak and it had it written all over it, all along. Since the first person told me "you look so good together", well missy, apparently we don't!
I don't want to have anymore reasons to feel like I felt yesterday at 6:32pm. I felt heartbroken right as I read it, I couldn't cry, I couldn't answer, I couldn't feel a bone in my stupid body, I felt like shit, I felt like I knew all along and didn't want to realize it because everything was in the right order in my freaking world of fantasy.
Sometimes I feel like love is for everybody except for me, like I did something wrong in another life and I am paying it like heck in this one. All my friends are either married or getting married and the ones that are not yet, have this easy way of finding someone special at any moment. Isn't that kind of weird?
Everyone tells me: "you deserve this" and "you deserve that" and "don't worry, it will hapen at the right moment", well, I'm tired of waiting, I'm tired of love, I'm tired of not being good enough for anybody, I'm tired of being myself and having no one appreciate it. I'm tired.
That feeling of my heart sinking right to my feet is awful and I never thought I could feel it again. Last time I felt it, my grandma had just died.
-Alejandra
Many of you know that I do not blog for a living. I actually do it because I have something to say. Not a penny for my thoughts.
Yesterday, I spread my self to thin doing something I never thought I would do in a million years, well, actually in three but, yeah, you get the point. In a very subtle and with what seemed to be an admiration letter, I declared my love to a guy I have loved for the past three years of my life silently. Right after I hit send I entered in panic mode praying to see that "not sent" message that WhatsApp offers sometimes. It didn't happen. At 10:35am, the letter, with a sweet little note, left my phone to enter his'.
I thought for a moment, "there, I said it", then the next minute I started doubting myself then again to "there, I said it". I expressively, at the end of the letter, told him: "no need to answer this.", but being the man that he is, at 6:32pm, he answered. (Please do not mind the time gap between my message and his message. Mine was extra long and he was working, that's why I sent it in the morning, to have extra time to panic between one message and the next.)
He answered, alright. The first paragraph of his answer basically said that he was flattered that someone thought that of him, let alone write it, that I made him feel better, blah, blah, blah... Next paragraph, hmm... That next paragraph had me crying, sleeping, crying, sleeping and crying ALL night long. I could not find a way to come out of bed this morning. My body hurt and I had not one single reason to do it. I am not mad at him, I swear I am not, I actually can't be. He did not hurt me in any way. I am mad at me, I hurt myself.
First, I shouldn't have fallen in love, who does that? Yes, of course, he has everything I want in a man but still, I think I did wrong and I should have known way better than to fall in love.
Second, this was a disaster, right from the beginning. We always have so much fun, we talk about everything, I feel so comfortable around him, it's ridiculous. There, a disaster from the beginning.
Third, I used to think "everything happens for a reason", well the reason for this was heartbreak and it had it written all over it, all along. Since the first person told me "you look so good together", well missy, apparently we don't!
I don't want to have anymore reasons to feel like I felt yesterday at 6:32pm. I felt heartbroken right as I read it, I couldn't cry, I couldn't answer, I couldn't feel a bone in my stupid body, I felt like shit, I felt like I knew all along and didn't want to realize it because everything was in the right order in my freaking world of fantasy.
Sometimes I feel like love is for everybody except for me, like I did something wrong in another life and I am paying it like heck in this one. All my friends are either married or getting married and the ones that are not yet, have this easy way of finding someone special at any moment. Isn't that kind of weird?
Everyone tells me: "you deserve this" and "you deserve that" and "don't worry, it will hapen at the right moment", well, I'm tired of waiting, I'm tired of love, I'm tired of not being good enough for anybody, I'm tired of being myself and having no one appreciate it. I'm tired.
That feeling of my heart sinking right to my feet is awful and I never thought I could feel it again. Last time I felt it, my grandma had just died.
-Alejandra
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